The First Post

I'm really scared I'm going to miscarry. Maybe it'd be no big deal: We haven't told many people yet. Heck, we haven't known about it for long...I'm only 5 weeks gone. But I worry. I keep pressing on my breasts to see if they're still sore. I weigh them in my hands to see if they're loosening.

I'm almost 40; I just tested pregnant; and I've been eating a raw food diet for a couple of years. I'm not sure how all this is going to play out. Some women claim to have comfortable pregnancies on a raw diet. Physicians (and my family) think it's a crock of crap. I usually listen to my body and ignore the experts but, at 40, the chances of miscarriage are high. It may be as high as 20-30%. I don't want to mess around.

This is a blog about my attempt to have a healthy pregnancy. It's about the questions I have -- and answers I find -- about pregnancy nutrition. If it doesn't work out, if I miscarry, then we'll know my choices were wrong. If it does work out...well, knock wood. I want to write this anonymously so that I can write about intensely personal, physical things -- how things are going in the bathroom, how my breasts feel, twinges low down -- without modesty. I'm writing this blog because I wish it were already written. I wish I could read it to the end, now, to find out how I should have treated my pregnancy.

***

Today is Christmas morning. I'm on vacation and better able to take good care of myself. Yesterday, I treated my body like this:

Woke early after a bad night's sleep. (Dumpster emptying at 3 a.m. -- I heart NY.) I had a brief workout at the gym, cleaned the house, wrapped some presents, and then went to church and dinner with my inlaws. How did a prickly Jewish intellectual wind up in this tidy Catholic life? Eh. I'll leave that for another blog. Here's the food intake.

Cup of green tea, two MegaFlora probiotic caps
Green juice (1 head kale, 1 head romaine, 1 head celery, 1 cucumber, 1 apple) drunk throughout the day
3 Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal vitamins, spaced throughout the day
2 green apples
cup or two of pomegranate seeds
1/2 cup guacamole
3 soft corn tortillas
salad with hearts of palm, artichoke, tomato, peppers
ear of corn

We told my inlaws tonight about the pregnancy. I'd told my mom, via phone, just after I read the tests. But this was the first, tentative, "don't tell anyone" and "take this with a grain of salt, but..." announcement. I was nervous. I'd fantasized for a few years about making this sort of announcement, and now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. What if it doesn't pan out? Ugh.

I won't see the doctor until late January, so I'll keep quiet until then. Why don't doctors see you right away any more? Shouldn't someone tell me to stop freebasing, now, while it's early? I mean, I'm almost 40 and pregnant -- I need advice! The nurse said I should take a prenatal and hang loose for now. Please. Has she never met a Jew before? We hang taut.

So, Christmas day. 5 a.m., and I'm the only one awake. My super-hot, somewhat mopey husband is still sleeping adorably. We haven't been married very long. He's still my boyfriend, in my mind.

The nitty-gritty: I evacuated my guts pretty well today. The raw corn helps, I guess; I'd been having trouble for the past few weeks. But my digestion is still slower than I like. I burp. I can't decide if that's good (a sign that I'm still pregnant) or bad. I felt a few twinges very low down -- just above the mons pubis. No major cramping in the uterus. Am I still pregnant?

That's enough for one day. Fingers crossed.